Anxiety disorders

I want to always rmb that Christ is a happy master, a loving Lord.

Recently, I came upon John Bunyan’s Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners, where he described his struggle with religious OCD. Prior to this, I never knew any Christian author, or pastor who experienced this, nor did I know any Christian friend experiencing this. So Grace Abounding has provided me much relief, though I wouldn’t wish he went through that pain.

Also, I started reading the book, Strivings Within – The OCD Christian. I’m really grateful for Mitzi’s honesty to share, and her humble and Christ-dependent heart. I was comforted to learn that anxiety is an affliction, rather than something I caused myself to be experiencing. I used to think, “why can’t I snap out of it???”. I know that I bear the responsibility to direct my thoughts to what’s true and helpful, but after going through these involuntary thoughts and body sensations, I recognise that it is an illness and therefore a valid condition. If we need the doctor to heal us of things like allergic reactions, then surely there is a real medical need to address these persistent body reactions. Now that I understand my condition better, I hope I can slowly help others see the need to be gentle with people who suffer from anxiety disorders.

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YAY

I’m at this point where a relationship is desirable but not smth I crave for. Yes, I still get through the week by awaiting the moments someone will flash that eye smile at me, but life has taught me that there is so much that needs my attention, that concerns eternity. I have also been encouraged by single women around me who are devoted to the Lord. I pray I will be like that for as long as I am single. By the Spirit’s strength, I will be able to.

Today I was just reading about the fighter verses against anxiety and unbelief…Then came the realisation that I actually got hives and that scared me. What a test of faith. I rest in the promise that though my afflictions are many, the Lord delivers me out of them all.

I’m also thankful things turned out fine for my dear sis! I want to praise God because He went before her and provided her wisdom, love for others and reconciliation.

Encouraged

“I am not the good news, Jesus is.”-Sheila Walsh

Though our backgrounds were different, her words were so relatable, they spoke what I could not articulate. I beat myself up because I just kept sinning. Though a true follower of Christ will sin less and less, I will never be perfect on this earth and I will never perfectly reflect Christ to others. But God is mighty and He is able to use us broken vessels for His glory. I want to be honest with my brokenness, my far-from perfect being, learn and repent from every mistake, and not despair, but hope in Jesus, who has washed my sins away, and remembers my sins no more.

26.

I never really thought about how I would spend my 25th year, but I had the impression that being 25 was the perfect age, where one would be at the prime of his life, whatever that means -physically attractive/cool/socially adept.
That did not turn into reality, and instead I found myself so trapped in anxiety that I started having physical pain and my thoughts out of control.
Yet it was also the year I was forced to see through my anxiety that I do not ultimately have control. Control belongs to God. I had to learn to yield to Him and TRUST Him with all my heart and mind and strength and soul. That salvation is by grace alone through faith that is graciously given by God.
I also saw it was possible to receive help and it was humbling and freeing.
I saw that people were willing to love me.
I hope anyone who reads this will dispel any ideal they may have, that life should be perfect at a certain age. It will never be and yet that is the beauty of life. That going to counselling is not something bad, that you are allowed to feel your emotions. That we don’t have to live in our past or dread the future, and that it is possible to treasure the present. That if you have weak faith, God will hold you fast and change you from glory to glory, more and more like Jesus. That we don’t have to waste our lives chasing the elusive approval of man.
Circumstances will never be perfect, people may never treat me as well as how they treat others, but I am ready to focus on being grateful and being moulded day by day.

An ounce of worry cannot solve a ton of problem.

I don’t think there will be a day one can say, “I am permanently free of worry.” But I don’t want to give myself the excuse to continue in the habit of worrying. I don’t want to live my last days thinking, “I’ve wasted my life by worrying about what people think of me, or what will happen in the future.” I want to fix my eyes on my Saviour, my Sovereign God, whom I can and am learning to trust more with each day.

To keep one’s thoughts on the ROCK

Isaiah 48:9-11

Philippians 1:20-23

 

Grace

Sometimes I wonder what God was thinking when He formed me in my mum’s womb. He knew all that was to come, the battles I have to face, especially anxiety and an addiction to human approval. But He decided that I would exist after all, though I have grieved Him and lay a burden on the people closest to me. I am so helplessly untrusting with regards to many things, and yet I am still given grace. I have no more words but gratitude.

Answered!

“Ask and it will be given to you.” – Mathew 7:7

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” – Psalm 34:4

Praise God for sending people in my life to speak truth to me and for giving me courage and wisdom on what to say. :’))))

Healing

I don’t exactly feel the best about myself

BUT

I am thankful to face another day,

thankful that my struggles lead me to see what is truly important.

Static

Ever since I was done with my exam, I have not been motivated to practise any repertoire, besides those for work. It takes a long time for me to learn a piece, and the feeling of not being able to play it well makes me want to burrow my head into the ground. A part of me resents that I was not given this gift in music, but if I were given it, would I have used it well? Would I have used it for Him?
I pray God will give me the contentment with my gift and lift me up from the thoughts of despair.